Confused

Some philosophies fuel a belief in the self,
constructed to keep one's goods on one's own shelf.
Built well you're a strong letter I,
with the feet on the ground and the head to the sky.
Now and then you can bend,
it's okay to lean over my way.
You fear that you can't do it all,
and you're right.
Even diligent day takes relief every day
from its work making light from the night.

And when you're holding me
we make a pair of parentheses.
There's plenty space to encase
whatever weird way my mind goes,
I know I’ll be safe in these arms.

If something in the deli aisle makes you cry
you know I’ll put my arm around you
and I’ll walk you outside,
through the sliding doors,
why would I mind?

You're not a baby if you feel the world.
All of the babies can feel the world. That's why they cry.

steady heart

meeting someone new is all kinds of terrifying in good ways and bad. the more i wonder if i'm ready, the more i want to retreat back to the cave i've steadily built for myself these last two years. but if there's anything to say in reflection of the past several days, it's refreshing to get to know someone who's been the most compatible for me in a long time coming.

i'm continually faced with the reality of feeling alone. i hunger for companionship -- but i yearn for substance. numb to the avoidance, jaded by the memories. a mixture of anguish and relief. i miss you --and i miss you. did it ever cross your mind that i could use your body for comfort? to hear your voice for strength? to follow your eyes for guidance?


i've condemned myself to my solitude. afraid to find myself swept away by the anonymous. swimming against the tide, my arms heavy. i fashion myself in a dead man's float and prop my body above the current. i'm drifting, my lack of resistance carries me wherever. i'm boundless, still drifting.

and i despise you. for leaving me here to drown. i despise me, for still finding ways to fill my lungs with air to ask if you'll survive, only for you to watch emotionlessly while i'm hopelessly submerged again.

you're encompassed in boxed vanity and i wish nothing more than to take a hammer and rid you of your distractions from me.

sometimes when i'm missing you, i'll find myself looking at your picture or wanting to send you an email just to say 'hi.' then i think about how you don't care so i stop.

Pure Imagination

Job applying again. Although the success and respect I've garnered over the last two years have been wonderful, I know this isn't where I am meant to "find" myself. Something tells me I need to go or be somewhere where I will fail miserably and painfully so. Fear is meant to be an important factor in the equation that leaves life seemingly abstract, like a rubix cube -- I suck at those, too.

One of the few things I know I'm good at is loving someone. I'm actually fantastic at it. I have a heightened awareness in meeting the needs of my loved one, willing to do whatever it takes to make them perpetually happy. And that's where the irony lies...that I don't know how to accomplish quite the same for myself. I'm not looking for someone to treat me the way I treat them, page for page, but loving me in unconditional ways and doing the little things have always been enough to satiate my needs.

It does hurt, though, that the one I thought I could be with could turn around and give someone else all the things I had hoped would be given to me. But I don't lament over it -- at least not anymore. If that's the way it is then it's further affirmation that I should be by myself than with someone who says "sorry [it didn't work out for you]."

And it hurts that the one I thought I could start a new life with would prefer to live a life of falsities and utter practicality, convinced that the definition of life is putting others' happiness while forsaking your own truth. I don't want to be someone's dirty secret, a once-in-a-while confidant, or the one who watches from the sidelines while her heart shatters quietly in the dark.

I do feel I will have my moment when I meet someone who deserves me as much as I deserve her. When that time comes, I hope that the person I become tomorrow is better equipped for the challenges and joy that come with it.

a good night of schmoozing with company VIPs --very good experience and exposure. still figuring out what to make of what's in front of me. do i choose to diligently knit the fabric or pick up a new hobby and move on? wish I could just have both happiness and being beyond financially independent.

happy birthday.