i've learned a lot about myself this year. putting myself first seemed to be one of the most challenging things I've ever done. i am innately self-less when it comes to being in a relationship, and it sounds stupid but nurturing others always makes me happy. maybe that's why i tend to gravitate towards people who need to be taken care of. when my first girlfriend couldn't handle my lack of independence and being out, she left. my second girlfriend didn't like that i cried when she hurt my feelings and dubbed me "cry-baby." after i met someone who finally seemed to be my best match, even she decided that all the things she couldn't give me, somehow, she could give to someone else who is now reaping the benefits of my years of insecurity and tears over distrust. and let's not even get started on the latest one.

one friend told me i have a problem of always seeking the same kind of people. i haven't changed my interests. and maybe it's a problem.

but then i had a talk with another friend today, who couldn't be more thrilled to have met a girl who doesn't play games. someone who is honest, direct, and says what she means. but isn't that the thrill of the chase, i wondered? seeing who will submit and call first, how long it takes in between each text sent, who likes whom more?

and then it sunk in that it isn't how it has to be. that maybe someone else like me is looking for me -- and i just haven't met her yet. maybe when i meet this someone spectacular, i'll have a small nook of my own where my bed isn't made everyday and there are unwashed dishes in the sink. and quite possibly, when she upsets me, maybe i won't resort to crying and being helpless. i may even hope for someone who never ever has to make me fight for their love, proving i'd always be the better choice. and, maybe, just maybe i'll find someone who isn't afraid to be who they are.

all the things that I hope for...i do hope i'll find. just learning to be a better person until then.